Permission to Come Home - Dr. Jenny T. Wang

Does this resonate with you?

”In an effort to help me, people in my life thought giving me a map to follow would make things easier. The map had specific stopping points: Study hard. Get a degree. Get a job. Get married. Have children. Raise children. Retire. Die. No detours. No shortcuts. No unmarked trails. People said, “Stay on this path and it will keep you safe. But if you dare to veer off the clearly marked trail, we may not be there to save you from the lurking danger. You’ll be on your own.” So, I took the map and started on this journey, believing every clearly marked path was all there was. Every mile marker served as confirmation that I was on the right route. I rarely questioned whether it was what I wanted or what I believed was right for me. Honestly, it was easier to play it safe and follow the map. Doing so involved less conflict with others. The rules were clearly written. It was easy to see where the goalposts were and how long it would take to get there. There were constant rewards for being obedient and compliant. All the pats on the back kept me fueled for the next leg of the journey.

Staying on this path also meant that I stayed comfortable, never stretching too far to the point of discomfort or taking major risks that might result in failure. It was a reasonable way to live, right? This was what my Taiwanese parents worked hard to provide for me, wasn’t it? Along the way, I started adding my own notes to the map. When exciting but scary opportunities popped up, I added in my own limits, rules, and restrictions to protect me from taking these potentially dangerous detours. And each time I would think to myself, Whew. Catastrophe averted! Good job staying safe, Jenny. Another pat on the back.

But once in a while there would be moments—when everything was quiet, when I wasn’t distracting myself with getting to the next mile marker—when I would notice, deep in my gut, a stirring. A wondering. A question. Is this all there is? Is this what I want? After following all the rules and staying inside the lines, is this the reward? Is this it?

Maybe this is where you are right now. You have slowed down or hit a wall. You have tried to silence that stirring because it would just be easier to stay on the map. But you also can no longer imagine staying the same. You are at a point of questioning. You are wondering if you should veer onto that unmarked path. And it is terrifying you. Here, I invite you to begin our journey together.”

Do you remember a time when you felt this way? When things around you looked “okay”, but also not quite right. Something felt missing. Something you couldn’t really put a finger on, but felt its undercurrents deep within.

Or maybe you feel that way now.

Navigating the liminal space between what was and what will be.

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”
- Rumi

My memories of this time bring up feelings of uncertainty, doubt, deep questioning of what truly believed and was willing to make sacrifices for. It was an intensely lonely journey, warmed by the love of those who kept me close in their heart.

Re: Sacrifice

Carl Jung in the Red Book says:
”.. the spirit of the depths said, ‘No one can or should halt sacrifice. Sacrifice is not destruction, sacrifice is the foundation stone of what is to come. Have you not had monasteries? Have not countless thousands gone into the desert? You should carry the monastery in yourself. The desert is within you.’”